Reaquainting myself with myself

2:49pm: Update update update
You know how you look back at things and it all seems so strange?

I went with Alicia to get her hair done this morning. One the way back, we listened to The Postal Service. The District sleeps alone tonight came on and it took me right back to being in the car with Christopher and Roger and T.J.

Then we listened to Styx and Angry Young Man came on. Once again, I was taken back to when my mom said that song reminded her of me.

I am in the strangest mix of moods. I am sad and nostalgic. I miss Bill, even though we talk all the time. He is the one person I feel like I don't disapoint time after time or am angry with time after time. Well, that isn't true. I don't feel like I really disapoint and anger people all that much. It is more like I keep disapointing and angering myself.

I just want to be able to live my life like I want. That is my mantra. Let me live my life like I want. Just let me live.

Edit: And now for something random to take my mind off of the bullshit.

1. My username is: justagirlinmind. This was something I felt suited me at the time. I keep this one updated, but a name that fits me more now is just being jessi. Kind of a spin off of my old name.
2. My journal is titled: Reaquainting myself with myself because the me that kept this journal updated and the me I am now are practically two different people.
3. My subtitle is: inane babbling because I rant and don't say a lot that makes sense or is important to anyone other than me. My journal is mostly my inner thoughts all typed out.
4. My friends page: is titled my listeners. these are the people who are bored enough or random enough or care enough about me to listen in to whatever I have to say.
5. My default userpic is: A scary little anime girl (Lain) saying Disconnect the world. Its my default because I still haven't found anything else that really speaks to me.

1:13am: cross posted from my myspace blog.
AGITATION!! Read plzkthx

*sighs* I am annoyed right now.

I was hanging out with Steve earlier and we were on www.ytmnd.com. If you don't know the site, it is a great funny site full of random links that have funny sound files with amusing images.

Well, if you haven't seen/heard, this poor guy "You BROKE my LIFE" on myspace site killed himself. Steve and I giggled at first, thinking someone was just poking fun of emo kids on Myspace... but were shocked to find out it really happened.

Well, all these people are hacking this poor kid's site. I feel really bad. This kid was obviously emo and stupid enough to kill himself. Yeah, that is established. I get all of it. Its bad enough the kid took his own life... you don't have to make like, 50 pages about how funny it is or about how his site got hacked or about how his suicide note was mis spelled. Someone took their own life. Even if the person was misguided and idiotic and trendy and followed fads, Hell, whatever, the guy obviously had some issues and it is disrespectful for his loved ones and family to do such a thing, like make fun of him.

They keep saying it is a scam because he keeps signing on. For other users to hack into his site and mess with his stuff, they probably had to sign into the damn site under him, so there you go. Even if it is just a scam, it disgusts me to see people reacting to death so lightheartedly.

RAWRGH!

It is just agitating to see someone do something so stupid and people to treat him like a fad and a joke. The internet may not be serious business, but suicide is. Period.

Rawr, I don't even know why I am writing about this. I guess because once upon a time I was suicidal and at the time felt things would never get better. Now, time having passed and situations changed, I know that things can and do get better. This kid will never know that it will get better... and that is just sadness.

9:58pm: This year, I was thankful for:

1. Understanding friends
2. life changing experiences
3. a lot of growing up
4. getting broadband and bittorrent (Yay!)
5. Things turning out exactly as they need to

6. The chance to have another year of all of the above.

A random special thanks goes to Roger. He kept me together recently and probably didn't even realize how close I was to going over the edge. You are my boi, g homey dog skillet slice mofo.

... skeet skeet skeet. XD

1:53pm:

Tight Ass, Cute Face Raw score: 48% Big Breasts, 27% Big Ass, and 64% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, smaller asses, and cuter composures than others who've taken the test. Note that you like women thin and top-heavy. This is best achieved with plastic surgery, but some specimens do exist in nature. My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your higher than average score suggests you appreciate a cuter, nicer look. Kudos! Recommended Celebrities: Penelope Cruz, Heather Graham.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 52% on tit-size You scored higher than 7% on ass-size You scored higher than 58% on cuteness

Link: The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test written by chicken_pot_pie on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I know I put this on my other lj... but I thought it was amusing, so it goes here too.

2:09pm: As posted in my xanga.
Hai...

So I got stoned last night with Bill while hanging out with some of his friends. We watched Family Guy and then watched the Family Guy movie.

I hope to hang out with Jesse and Kim again. They have a funky little apartment that I really dig. Here is to hoping I didn't seem pretentious for some reason or another. >.< I wish I could have gotten to see Kim and Jesse more. They are a little bit older, but they seem so much younger than they are. Maybe it was the poor lighting or something. *shrugs*

Things are so bland right now. But I love it. I am tired of some serious drama affecting my life and forcing me to face things so forwardly. I appreciate the quiet time for contemplation in my daily hustle and bustle... while right now has like, no hustle or bustle. Things will change soon. I hope to get an apartment, as I mentioned before. So I will be taking a few classes out of my schedule and working to move out.

I hate the thought of not being as focused on school... but the time has come and that is all there is to it. I have been running away from reality for months and months and I am sick of doing it. These next few weeks or even months are going to be difficult ones, but I will survive and I will make my life what I want it to be.

1:12pm: Survey stolen from Holly.
5 years ago I was...
1. I was 14.
2. angry at my brother for being different, my mother for being too busy with Steve, and my father for having no means to change the way things were for me.
3. hanging out with girls I had nothing in common with. Most of them have kids or boyfriends in jail or are part of a gang now.
4. beginning to cut myself and fall into depression.
5. a totally different person than I am now.

1 year ago I was...
1. dating Bill.
2. suffering from my father's death and my mother's unconsolable grief.
3. still living a lie.
4. couldn't have cared less about anything other than staying with Bill and partying.
5. richer than I am today.

Yesterday I was...
1. lazy.
2. on the internet and confessed a few things on grouphug.us that I couldn't even admit to myself before.
3. playing The Sims 2, playing out how I imagine my life with Bill to be.
4. sad I finished watching the Air series I downloaded from Anime Suki.
5. thought about calling Jessie but chickened out because I haven't been doing anything impressive or important lately.

5 snacks/foods I enjoy...
1. sunflower seeds
2. veggie fried rice
3. cheesy baked potatoes/cheesy potato soup.
4. cheddar smart pop popcorn
5. Pinto beans and cornbread

5 songs I know the words to are...
1. Garbage-Temptation waits
2. Voltaire-God Thinks
3. The Beatles-Eleanor Rigby
4. The Dresden Dolls-Thirty Whacks
5. The Cure-Same deep water as you

***All of the bands I listed, I know numerous songs to. I just picked the songs that fit my current mood.***

5 things I would do with one million dollars are...
1. Pay for schooling and pay off my mom's and Billie's bills for them.
2. get a car to drive around normally and my dream car, a white 96 firebird Formula ws6, just like Dads.
3. buy a few houses in a small neighborhood and have all my friends live in that area with me.
4. Get all the new gaming systems and all the games I have been wanting to buy!
5. Travel to Japan.

5 places I would run away to...
1. Jamaica
2. Sierra's place
3. Bill's house
4. my room
5. Of course, Japan

5 favorite (American) TV shows are...
1. X-Play
2. Farscape
3. Family Guy
4. Mad TV
5. ... I don't like American tv! I barely watch most of these shows. x__x Give me anime any day.

5 fictional characters I would date....
1. Trent from Daria (I would too Holly!!)
2. Phedre from Kushiel Trilogy
3. ....I am almost ashamed to say this... Reno or Vincent from FFVII. XD My fangirlism knows no bounds.
4. Donnie Darko... Oh Hell Yeah!
5. Maho from Beck: Mongolian Chop Squad

11:41am: Hi hi.

I am a tired little girl. x__x

I am so insanely tired.

I feel bad for coming back only to this journal, only to not be around as much.

Nothing much has been going on besides writing a lot of scholarship essays and such. Tommorow is the first day of class registration. I don't think I will go though, due to recent events... I don't have the inner strength to discuss them now.

At times like this, I need my poetic anthem.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I think I will go and play The Sims 2. Maybe I can make something in a game life work better for me. XD

7:18am:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6
Mind:	6.3
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	7.1
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	6.9
Finance:	3.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

12:46pm: I need to take a moment to just pause and think.

I am so confused with the few relationships I have going for me. I am left confused time and time again with the actions of those I care about.

I still have dishes to do and I need to take a shower. The animals need to be fed and I should probably quit puting off putting the desktop together in my room. I still need to tidy up the kitchen and bathroom.

Meanwhile... emotions are swirling through me faser than they ever really have before. I have reached a state of semi-independence, yet I still feel dependent on friends and family a bit.

I decided to go back to school but the amount of set backs are already weighing heavily on me. Transportation is one hell of an issue and I still have no clue how I am going ot get the fin aid to even go. I try not to even think about it, but I still wonder what the hell I am going to do with myself career wise. The careers I want to pursue are difficult to have families with. I want a family. But I don't want to be a housewife as I quickly learned living with Jess. I am so lost in a sea of confusion.

... wow, that sounded quite gothy. XD

I wish I had some kind of guidance throughout all of this. I feel like I am facing so much alone, so unaware of so much, of so many offers that may be given to me if only I was there.

I am missing so much right now, even though my life isn't horrible at all. I love my life. I love who I am and what I like. I just feel like I am so unaware of what is going on right around me.

12:55pm: Random quiz results



You are a Phoenix.

What legend are you? Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox


Renee made the quiz. I am not suprised at the results. I remember when I took this originally I was the siren.

"I won't go down by myself, but I'll go down with my friends."

12:18pm: Cross post from my Xanga.
So yeah, I took the pretests in the GED study book and I did really well except for two subjects. Math and Science. Suprise suprise. So at least I am well off for this damn test.

I WILL GET MY DIPLOMA OR EQUIVALENT BEFORE I AM 20!!

I am glad to see I retained at least some of the information I learned in school. I spent more time making it a social event. That is the only reason I kept going for as long as I did.

I hope my child/children will be able to look at my life experiences and think:

Wow, my mom had a lot of problems, but she did the best she can for herself and for us.

Is it sad that that is what I hope my children will think of me?? She is a pretty fucked up lady but she was cool and did her best for us?? <_< I think that of my own mother in most cases. My tiny little mum. ^_^ My relationships have been crazy. Bill has been back in the picture quite a bit. It isn't like we are dating... but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and him try to pull something. He is doing something really really really nice for me though... WE ARE GOING TO GO SEE THE DRESDEN DOLLS TOGETHER!! *tosses confetti in the air and squees* For anyone who doesn't understand.. I love The Dresden Dolls with a burning passion that will hopefully never fade or die. Things are still typical at the K-zoo clubhouse. Cleaning and taking care of the pets and studying lots. For the most part, Jessie and I have reached a comfort zone between the two of us living together. Every now and then our personalities will flare and spark, but we are so much more settled into this lifestyle. It has required me to become more laidback than I thought I was capable of being. Little Miss Opinionated has been tamed. Oh, randomness, I found the tattoo I wanted. I was so excited, after years of searching, I found exactly what I wanted. I will alter it a little bit to make it more mine and soften it a bit. It is a little bit too fierce for me. I will get the URL of the original later and post it. "Everyone has their own field to plow. I know that now." I have more to say, but I should get to work and take care of the dishes now... I hope everyone is well and such. <3

11:52am: Okay, quick clue in to let people know what I am up to.

Bill and I called it quits. I am currently living in Kalamazoo with the other Jessie while she attends uni. Not too much has happened event wise, but I feel like I have grown quite a bit over the last few months.

Visiting the Bay area stirred a massive change in me. It was time for me at that point.

The funny thing about all of this is I didn't notice what the hell happened to me until I found this journal and remembered who I was.

I promise to update more. ^_^ Seeing people still curious about me despite vanishing... its nice. It really is nice. I wub j00 guys *_*

5:30pm: I am in fact alive. I cant believe I acually stumbled across my old lj. O_o It has been so long...

I just wanted to let everyone know I was alive and at least sort of well.

...and to say sorry for randomly falling off the face of the intrawebz and Earth to most of you. I don't know how to explain everything that has been going on, all the changes I feel happened to me. But I realized shutting most of you out as I ended up doing was a horrible mistake on my part... but it was needed at the time.

I have a new lj, but I am going to leave that one out of this. I need to think a bit, but I might try to keep posting here. Just random updates of my current situation here and there.. I dunno. Does anyone actually want to hear from me anymore???

7:27pm: Hey everyone! I'm in San Francisco! I love it out here but I miss all my boys and friends. I'll be heading back Sunday, and even though I miss you guys, it seems [i]way[/i] too soon.

I still love you all though!


...


Oh, and planes are really fun! I never rode one before this trip! It was awesome, even though the ride was 4 hours. Ugh, long time. They played the incredibles! And I listened to lots of Dresden Dolls. So it wasn't too bad.

<3

EDIT: I feel like I am totally finding myself. Woot! Its about time something happened to push me along my merry little way in life.

10:32pm: Spring has sprung and I can feel the calls of my particular dieties screaming at me to get my ass in gear.

Their support has turned my week around already.

Thank the gods and goddesses who make my world go round!

3:05pm:

LOVE, SEX AND ROMANCE QUIZ
Name:	Jessi
Birthdate:	2/22/86
Hair:	shoulder length curly brown hair
Eyes:	tiny almond shaped hazel eyes
Height:	5'6
Gender:	female
How many true relationships have you had?:	2
Have you ever been in love?:	Yes
What's your idea of a perfect date?:	sitting around playing games before hitting the movie theater
Where's your favorite place to be kissed?:	That little spot where your shoulder meets your neck
How many sexual partners have you had?:	1
How many people have you kissed?:	erm... I dunno... 50-ish?? O.o
Do you like to make the first move?:	depends on my mood
Are you a snuggler?:	almost always
Do you kiss on the first date?:	depends on the person
Where is the best place you've ever hooked up?:	The side of my house, thats my favorite time
Do you consider yourself to be romantic?:	in a sick and twisted kind of way, yes
Are you an angel or a devil in the sack?:	I'm a cat in bed actually
Would you ever pay someone for sex?:	no, I don't need to
Would you ever let someone pay YOU for sex?:	lol, not outright... j/k not at all
Do you keep your eyes open when you kiss?:	half the time
What was your most embarrassing sexual moment?:	wow, personal question... I think the first time I ever came with Bill. He was so suprised and I was so embarassed!
Have your parents ever caught you in a compromising position?:	Um, only the typical making out on the couch thing
Have you ever performed a striptease?:	Yes
How about a lapdance?:	Yes
Have you ever received a lapdance?:	No, and I want one damnit@
Do you like sexual contact?:	YES! I DO!!
Are you straight, gay or bi?:	Bisexual all the way
Have you ever made out with a member of the opposite sex?:	I do it all the time
Are you a giver or a taker?:	I'm not gonna lie, I'm a taker. Fortunately, Bill is a giver :P
What do you look for in a girlfriend/boyfriend?:	Maturity, loyalty, humor, intellect
Do you think you've met the person you'll spend the rest of your life with?:	Ugh, I feel so girlie. Yes, I do
Do you know who your bridesmaids and groomsmen would be?:	Yes, I do
Have you ever regretted a hook-up?:	Sorta... That one time at my 17th b-day party
Have you ever cheated on a significant other?:	ugh, right when Bill and I first started dating. Actually, it might have been right before we did
Have you ever hooked-up with someone already in a relationship?:	Yep
Have you ever cried over a member of the opposite sex?:	Yes
Have you ever had your heart broken?:	Yes
Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?:	Good lord, YES! That was te scariest thing in my life
Would you date or marry someone if your parents didn't accept them?:	yeah, no problem
How about if your friends didn't accept them?:	it would be hard, but yeah
What's the worst relationship you ever had?:	this one sided thing where Ifelt obligated to be with him
Have you ever done anything sexual while on the road?:	yeah
Would you kiss someone if you didn't love them?:	Sure, you don't have to love someone to have enough feelings to kiss them
Who told you all about sex?:	my childhood friends, and they were so wrong
Are you always horny?:	eh, not so much anymore
Are you a flirt?:	yes
Are you a tease?:	yes
Do you prefer to chase or BE chased?:	um, I like chasing Bill, otherwise I prefer being chased
Do you prefer morning or evening hook-ups?:	I like both
Have you ever pulled an all-nighter with a member of the opposite sex, and woke up in each others arms?:	Yeah, it was grear
How old were you at the age of your first kiss?:	erm, the first time I kissed a boy and liked it was like, 5!
How old were you when you lost your virginity?:	18
Do you sometimes wish you could change that?:	eh, not really.
Do you enjoy being in a relationship?:	yes
Are you currently in one?:	Yes
Have anyone ever fallen in love with you?:	yes
Have you ever said "I Love You" and not meant it?:	YES!
Are you "noisy" when you get heated?:	I am a screamer. I think people must think I'm being killed
What is your kissing pet peeve?:	gross kisses where you just aren't feeling it.
Do you think you're a good kisser?:	I've never had a complaint
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Current Mood: amused

2:35pm: Quiz

Official Survivor Congratulations! You scored 69%!

Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 83% on survivalpoints

Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid

Advanced You scored 93% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 66% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score. Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 38% on Beginner You scored higher than 37% on Intermediate You scored higher than 68% on Advanced You scored higher than 45% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

2:26pm: Gin and juice is not my friend this too bright and loud day.

Fun times with Bill though. I think the shitty morning is/was worth it.

11:48am: How Cute!

Dance the night away by karchan85
Name
What you Look like
The Music	DDR
Quiz created with MemeGen!

1:39pm: Don't you hate it when you realize that the way you felt you are supposed to be is really far from the truth?? God Damn...

I should be in school.
I should have been looking for a job much sooner.
I should have been nice to my dad, mom, grandparents.
shoulda coulda woulda. Doesn't make a difference now.

Grandpa is home, yay. He seems a lot more put together. Every now and then he says something far out, but he talks to us and everything. I'm so happy. I didn't realize how much I love my grandpa. I mean, you love your family because you have to. But now I realize, it isn't just because I have to. its because he is such a hermit, such a kooky old man. He was the one who would give me roses when I danced. he was the one I would good heartedly make fun of with my grandmother, dubbing "sitting bull" as his native american name.

Oh, Mimi, I wish you were here right now. I wonder how you would have made my life experience different. If my evolution as a soul and a person would have run more smoothly. Then again. Enlightenment isn't an easy path. No doubt somethind equally sucky would have happened.

Oh, back to grandpa being home. I hate this stupid bitch from the home nursing station. She gives me such a bad vibe I want to puke. She is still here, but I told my mom, really quickly, when I had a quick chance, that I instinctively hate her. We need someone like her at home. We need a nurse to help with grandpa. But damnit, Over my dead body will it be her. I'll keep updated on the wicked dyke bitch from hell.

I spent a lot of time with Bill recently... After a near break up experience, I feel closer to him, more mature with him. I want to stay with him. My horoscope made me laugh though. I love Rob's site and when I feel in a pinch I get the extended downloads. This is really rough, because I had to write as I listened. But it was something along the lines of....

As you hve probably begun to suspectPisces, it seems like your trial runs are coming to an end. Dress rehersals must be wrapped up so the show can get going. Window shopping must give way to actual commitment. And you need to decide if you want to get a year's supply of that stuff you have merely been sampling. You need to decide if you really want the ideas that you have been trying on for size. Pisces, I'm not here to tell you exactly what it is you should do. My job is to simply urge you to make a decision. My task is to ask you to get more simple. To get back to basics. To make you become more descisive in just about every aspect in your life. For instance, don't waffle about asking people to come through for you. Just ask them point blank for them to come through for you. Also, don't wonder what you are worth to someone. Just ask them, and let them know that you need the action to back it up. be very specific and be clear in what you want. Talk about simplicity Pisces. For some of you, for some member's of the Piscean tribe, simplicity is a dirty word. Some of you mix up simplicity with stupidity, with unsophistication or boring silliness. But thats not the kind of simplicity I'm talking about, obviously. By simplicity I mean raw elegance. I mean clarity. I mean inspired precision. and I mean delicious unpretentiousness. Thats the kind of simplicity I mean. I think you can handle that kind of simplicity. In fact, I think you will thrive on it. So, as I said before, trial runs and introductory offers hae run their course. That goes for what you have been offering as well as what you have been offered.

He has been dead on for me since the first tiem I read his web page.

...

Oh, man. I am so down right now. I cant even think of being poetic about it anymore. I just feel raw.

11:58am: Wow, for once I knew exactly what it would turn out being. Yay for this quiz!

You scored as Ecclectic Pagan. A veritable blend of all the pantheons and perhaps a dash of a few other religions as well, you're the versitile Ecclectic Pagan. You have no problem wearing an ankh while setting an offering to Herne on your alter just below your image of Hera. You don't believe in coloring within the lines, and are a bright free-thinker. While you respect the views of your fellow pagans, as far as you're concerned, religion is the sky, and there's no one about to clip your wings with lines and limitations. </td> Ecclectic Pagan 90% Egyptian Pantheonic Pagan 90% Greek Pantheonic Pagan 80% Roman Pantheonic Pagan 75% Zoroastrian Pagan 75% Eastern Pagan 70% Shamanic Pagan 65% Celtic Pantheonic Pagan 60% Kabbalistic Pagan 50% Norse Pantheonic Pagan (Asatru) 50% Sumerian, Babylonian, and Mesopotamian Pagans 50% Catholic (Pagan?) 20% What kind of Pagan are you? created with QuizFarm.com

2:28pm: Ugh. I'm sick of waiting for my friends to decide they want to hang out with me again. Fuck it.

8:53pm: Roger said something that I thought was pretty cute. He is a doll.

I miss all my old friends that I lost touch with.

I need to work out with a certain chickie poo.

I cant focus to type out a real entry.

Oh, my hair cut is growing on me.

9:09pm: I hate my hair. It sucks, I want to cry. Jessie looks great though... but I just want to cry.

11:41pm: I am an ass.

[I wish this could be invisible yet not...]

See, I have this problem. I feel really out of place in certain social situations, yet find myself in one of my worst thing. The thing that sucks the most is that I am hurting someone in my attempt to keep from feeling hurt. Ugh, I am not going to even try.

Jessie turned 18 today. I was so happy for her and despite feeling uncomfortable about going out to the Dog I went with her. She saw her friends up there and hung out with them a lot. I felt so out of place and like such a bitch because right after her big b-day dance, I headed out. I guess I am just jealous she can make new friends so easily when I feel like I really only have her and my few friends. That and I feel like she kinda ditches me at times. Ugh, too late...

the end.

Oh, thanks to Roger for the whole comforting while I was uber upset thing... I owe you more than micky d's.